Ask a Manager

It’s four answers to four questions. Here we go…

1. My boss keeps asking for rides home

I work in my company’s marketing department. There are only five of us, including our boss (an executive president at the company). He knows that out of all of us, I live the closest to him. His truck is in the shop and he has asked me two days in a row “what are you doing after work/could you take me home?” He also asked a couple weeks ago when his truck was in the shop again. I have said no each time. Am I wrong in saying no?

Some things to note: 1) I am a 29-year-old woman and he is a 50-something man. I am not worried that he’s creepy or would try something, but it just feels uncomfortable to me. 2) I have a one-year-old I have to pick up after work. I do not have time to take my boss home before getting my son and going home. It would add 20-30 minutes to my evening, which eats away into time home with my son and husband. I am not at his disposal after working hours. 3) I am not his assistant, so I don’t feel like I owe him this favor.

I don’t want to seem like I am not being a team player by doing this. But like I said, it eats away at my evening and quite frankly, I just don’t WANT to. His wife could easily come get him. He makes enough money that he can afford a rental car. He has been bumming rides these last couple days and every other time his vehicle has been in the shop. He makes it everyone else’s problem. One time he asked me to drive him to the shop “just to see” if his truck was ready (it wasn’t, btw). I just see it as a “nor my problem” situation. Am I wrong for that?

Nope, you’re not wrong for declining to give your boss rides, and it’s good that you don’t feel pressured into saying yes.

He’s asking for a personal favor, not assigning you a work task — which means that you are free to say no. If you weren’t free to say no, then he would be inappropriately using his position to get personal favors — and that would be wrong.

You’d also be on solid ground in saying no even if you didn’t have a kid to pick up. But since you do, “I can’t be late to pick up my kid” is a very easy way to decline without awkwardness. So is, “Sorry, I’ve got to get straight home” and “Sorry, I’ve got plans” (even if those plans are to simply drive home alone).

Also, it’s one thing for someone to ask this once as a favor in unusual circumstances. It’s not at all cool for him to be asking repeatedly. He’s a grown man who needs to figure out his own transportation. (He also needs to figure out that he can just call the shop to find out if his truck is ready; he doesn’t need to drive there in someone else’s car “just to see.”)

Related:
my employee pressures coworkers for rides everywhere

2. My boss won’t let me have any personal items on my desk — but other people can

Is it normal for some people in a work environment to not be allowed any personal items at all? I have been told by my boss that anything that is not issued by the company needs to go home. Period. Others (including people right next to me) have water bottles, family photos, etc., but those are fine and they have never been told anything. I have even been told I must take home my pens and only use the ones provided by the company (I’m a lefty and have hyper mobile hands/wrists, so this is not an option for me in any way). Is it time for a new job or to get legal counsel?

Well, there’s the legal answer and then there’s the more practical answer. Legally, yes, your boss can tell you that you can’t have any personal items on your desk even if the rule is only for you — as long as it’s not based on your sex, race, religion, national origin, disability, or other protected characteristic. (And if it were, your boss wouldn’t need to say that explicitly. If you were, let’s say, the only person of race X and the rule only applied to you and if there had been other forms of harassment/discrimination/hostility toward you, a lawyer could argue that it was part of a pattern of race-based discrimination.) In general, employers steer managers away from having rules that only apply to one person because they don’t want to open themselves up to that form of legal liability, unless the manager can cite a clear need for the rule (like if your desk was always a trash heap and repeated conversations hadn’t worked, your manager might be able to defend the rule on that grounds).

The more practical answer, though, is: What’s going on with your boss? Does your boss treat you differently in other ways too? Appear to dislike you? Not value your work? What’s behind this different rule for you versus everyone else? This is such a weird one-person policy — particularly the pens, unless the pens you brought in from home had, like, naked ladies on them — that I’ve got to think it reflects bigger issues.

As for what to do: HR if it’s a big company and especially if transferring is a possibility (because even if HR strikes down this rule, it’s not in your interests to work for someone who dislikes you). Lawyer if you think it is a pattern of hostility based on a protected characteristic. New job either way, probably.

3. As an interviewer, (how much) should I dress up?

I’m running my first ever interviews next week, and I’m unsure about what I should wear!

Our office is a mixture of casual to business casual, and I’m one of the most informally dressed in the office (for example I wore shorts, hoodie, and a baseball cap to work today). This is all good with everyone as far as I know, and I’m not a massive fan of dressing formally— the only time I’ve really ever worn a suit has been at weddings.

But I don’t feel like I should dress that casually when I’m running an interview— it’s true to the office “dress code” but I feel like if any of the interviewees turn up dressed more formally, which they probably will, their interviewer being dressed super casually would make them feel uncomfortable and overdressed!

How much should I dress up? Would jeans and a button-up shirt be okay? Or trousers and a t-shirt? Or should I go for jeans and a t-shirt as it’s more accurate to what I wear daily? I’m a guy living in London and working in a creative industry, in case it’s relevant.

Ideally you’d share your dress code with the candidates beforehand, saying something like, “Our dress code is casual — people wear everything from shorts and hoodies to khakis and button-downs, so there’s no need to wear a suit.”

But if for some reason that’s not possible, dress how you normally dress, just not the most casual extreme of it (so not shorts and a hoodie). You want candidates to see what the culture is actually like (but you also don’t want them to feel massively overdressed, which is why you’re avoiding the shorts/hoodie end of your personal spectrum).

4. My manager came to my house unannounced

My manager showed up at my house unannounced to deliver treats for our virtual Christmas party. We work remotely and she asked for my address the prior year to send a contest prize I won from a virtual event. While I appreciate the gesture, I never expected her to use my address this way. I don’t consider colleagues my friends and prefer to keep work and personal life separate. Sharing this with loved ones raised concerns. They felt it was inappropriate for her to hold onto my address, especially for a personal visit.

Your manager shouldn’t have shown up at your house unannounced and uninvited — and that goes triple if she rang the bell and hoped to see you in person.

For what it’s worth, this varies heavily by region. People who live in countries with strong data privacy laws tend to be much more shocked by the “she used your address in a way you hadn’t intended” aspect of this sort of thing than most Americans are. And Americans who live in small towns where everyone knows where everyone lives see it as much less of a problem than those who don’t. There also are American companies where she wouldn’t have even needed to have asked you for your address the previous year because she could have gotten it straight from your employee file, and using it to drop off work gifts would have been considered lovely and thoughtful. There are others where that would be considered an invasion of privacy. So there’s a huge regional and cultural component to this.

All that said, unless it’s part of a pattern of oversteps by your boss, I would let it go.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. If I send someone home for being too high to work, should I stay late to finish their work?

I’m a closing manager at a restaurant. Several Sundays ago, I found myself staying an hour late to finish stocking and cleaning. When my GM asked me why, I told him that we were busy, short-handed, and one person was so high that he kept forgetting what he was doing while he was doing it. Rather than keep everyone late, I let everyone go at the usual time and finished things by myself.

My GM’s eyes lit up. “Next time, you send them home! We will write them up!” He excitedly starts opening computer documents, looking for the write-up form. He looked through six or seven filled-out write-up forms, giving me an eyeful of what past employees got in trouble for, but couldn’t find a blank one to show me. Then it got busy and he forgot about it.

Flash forward to last Sunday. Right after his break, it became obvious that the same guy was high again. Based on the conversation with my GM, I sent him home. We were already short two people, but I was pretty sure the GM would be mad if I didn’t send him home. We were slammed, and I stayed late to finish stocking and cleaning.

Today, I happened to look at the Crew App and saw that my GM had posted, “____, you must leave when everyone else leaves! You are not allowed to stay and milk the clock!”

I’m furious. I worked my butt off Sunday night. If he checked the camera footage, he could clearly see me running around in a frenzy, cleaning and stocking. Instead, he accused me of wage theft in front of the eight other managers on the app. My question is, what should I have done?
A) Not send the high guy home.
B) Make my four workers stay an extra hour to help me finish.
C) Shrugged and left without stocking or cleaning, or
D) Something else.

I should mention that morning shift pitches a fit about any little thing that closing shift forgets to do, and publicly shames us in front of every employee on the Crew App.

Your manager sounds like an asshole, so he probably wanted you to choose B. In reality, what you should do is talk to the guy who keeps getting high on his breaks and tell him you’re going to fire him if it happens again, and then follow through on that. (This may be out of sync with the labor realities in your area, but that would be the ideal solution, at least.)

In theory you should also talk to your GM and ask why he would accuse you of “milking the clock” when you were following his advice and were working frantically on your own to finish stocking and cleaning, and ask what he wants you to do if that happens again. But again, he’s an asshole so I don’t know that it’s worth the effort.

Ultimately, though, if the labor market in your area means you can’t fire the repeatedly high guy without ending up short-staffed, then you yourself will probably have no trouble leaving this job and working somewhere else for someone who’s not an asshole. Weigh all that accordingly.

2. My coworker acts like I don’t know how to do my job

I have a question about a coworker who was hired after me. She’s been here for about a year, and I’ve been here for a year and a half. We’re both central receptionists at a corporate office. When I sit with her at the main desk, she’ll always try and butt in on what I’m doing. For example, she’ll say, “Well, I do this this way by adding all these meetings in like this.” And I want to be like, “Well, I’ve been here longer, I know how to do things.” I just don’t need her advice all the time and it’s really irritating me. Also, if someone comes up to me at the desk, she’ll immediately start butting into our conversation, and it makes me trip over my words. She’ll even tell me what I shouldn’t and should say to people, which really annoys me.

I’m about to go to a manager because I don’t know what else to do. I just don’t know how much longer I can deal with her because she makes me feel like I can’t do my job when I sit with her and I don’t feel that way about anyone else on my team.

Speak up when it happens! The next time she tries to tell you how to do something, pause, turn to her, and say this: “Have I done something to make you concerned I’m not doing my job well?” She’ll presumably say no and then you can say, “I’m not sure if you realize how often you tell me how to do something I know how to do. Please assume I’m set unless I ask for help.” If that’s too much of a mouthful — or if she keeps doing it anyway — then just start saying dryly, “Yes, I know.” Also useful: “I’ve got it.” “I know how to do it, thanks.” “I don’t need any help with this.”

Then next time your coworker butts into a conversation, say this to her afterwards: “Please let me handle conversations I’m already in, rather than interrupting.” Hell, you could even say in the middle of the interrupted conversation, “I’ll take care of this, thank you.” (Just make sure you say it cheerfully so the person you’re talking to doesn’t feel like caught in the middle of something uncomfortable.)

If you do all that and it continues happening, then sure, talk to your boss. But your boss is likely to ask you if you’ve tried talking to your coworker about it yourself first and you want to be able to say yes.

3. People want thorough meeting notes, but no one wants to take them

I manage an entirely remote team in different time zones, and people need to be able to catch up on discussions from meetings that they weren’t in all the time for various reasons (conflicting meetings, PTO, conferences, etc.). Often meetings involve someone sharing their screen so we’re all looking at something and that person can’t take notes, but no one picks up the slack.

Usually one or two people do all of the note-taking (I’m often one of them) and if one of us doesn’t do it or isn’t in the meeting, it doesn’t get done. We all make it clear that we rely on the notes (example: “I can’t make meeting X but I’ll review the notes afterward”). I’ve also received negative feedback from folks on my team that certain things weren’t reflected in the notes from meetings they missed, or do not reflect details of conversations they recall being part of but are having a hard time remembering (example: “I know we decided to do X in the meeting due to Y, but the notes don’t state detail Z”) when I speak to them one-on-one, so it feels like meeting notes are essential to folks.

However, it feels like if I or one of the other one or two folks don’t take the notes, they don’t reliably get created, and I’m often the one leading the meeting/sharing my screen so I literally can’t. Do you have any suggestions for getting people who appear to value reading notes but not helping create them to start pitching in on this more?

Four things:

1. At the start of each meeting, assign someone to take notes. Rotate each time so it’s not always the same person.

2. Since not everyone is great at taking notes, especially when they’re not experienced with it, when something of significance is decided in the meeting, say to the note-taker, “Can you make sure that’s captured in the notes?” Make a particular point of this if you don’t notice them writing/typing.

3. Consider whether you have someone whose role would make it appropriate for them to be trained to take good notes and be the one taking them every time (even if they’re not normally in these meetings, as long as it would make sense for their job.) This is work admins used to do when offices had more admins.

4. It’s possible that when someone complains to you about the notes, you should suggest they take the notes next time. But in reality, note-taking doesn’t make sense for every role or every skill set and you don’t want it to be a punitive thing (“you asked for this tool to do your work better? fine, you do it!”). On the other hand, if the people who do take notes don’t have roles that it makes any more sense for (and/or if they both happen to be women, who commonly get stuck with this stuff), consider this.

You could also look into AI note-taking programs, although there may be reasons that’s not right for your context.

4. Accidentally low-cut uniforms

My department just ordered some uniforms (scrubs in this case). A coworker mentioned to me that she doesn’t like them because they’re awkwardly low cut. They’re far from NSFW, and we don’t have public-facing roles, but that made me realize she’s right that they’re a little too low cut (both in her size and mine, at least).

It’s worth asking for better designed scrubs to be ordered, but I don’t know if she has mentioned it to anyone else yet. The issue is that I’m a cis male and at the same level of the hierarchy as her, so I don’t know if I have standing to pass along something like this. What’s a good way to get this good idea to the people who can do something about it without causing anyone undue embarrassment or other negative outcomes?

“Female colleagues have told me they’re uncomfortable with the low cut of the new scrubs — and I’ve found the same with how they fit me. Can we order ones that everyone can wear comfortably?”

You have standing to say this! Even if the new uniforms didn’t cause fit problems for you personally, you’d still have standing to say that you’ve heard they’re causing issues for others.

5. How big a deal is secretly recording a workplace discussion?

Are there employment risks associated with using a secretly recorded workplace conversation? I have such a recording that would unambiguously uncover a significant lie (a senior employee denies that a problematic conversation took place, and the recording would verify that it did in fact occur). If it matters, the recording captured the audio of a Zoom meeting where everyone was remote. I am tempted to make the recording available to help out a colleague who I feel is being wronged by the lie.

I am in a one-party consent state but am mostly interested in whether an employer would consider the act of making the recording to be an issue, regardless of what it contained or corroborated.

Is this “oh, look, Zoom happened to record this so we have a useful record of it”? Or is it, “I purposely and secretly recorded this meeting and normally wouldn’t have wanted anyone to know”? The first is fine and unlikely to be an issue. The second is very likely to be an issue. Intentionally recording people in the workplace without their knowledge is a big deal and usually considered a significant security issue (possibly a firing offense and definitely a trust-destroyer), regardless of the laws on recording in your state.

It’s five answers to five questions. Here we go…

1. Sharing a house with the boss on a work trip

I work for a small company of four people, including our boss. We are all remote. There is an upcoming conference in my city where the three of them are flying in. We have several similar trips a year, and our boss has always booked individual hotel rooms.

For this trip, she announced she was booking the three of them a three-bedroom, three-bathroom house. The other two employees are male. Personally I thought it was weird, and I would not be comfortable staying in a shared house on a work trip, but didn’t say anything since I’m not staying there.

Then the house fell through and she has now booked one with three bedrooms but only two bathrooms. Am I wrong to think this is inappropriate? Having to coordinate shower schedules, etc. with your boss and coworker?

I expressed my concern to one of the other employees, and he asked her in our team group chat if we could look into hotel alternatives. I backed him up and said that although I’m not staying there, I personally wouldn’t be comfortable with it. She said, “No, unless you want to pay for a hotel yourself.”

This kind of behavior is pretty unlike her and felt very hostile. I also feel like if it were a male boss with two women, this would never fly.

We normally all have very open and good relationships, and this is leaving a horrible taste for me. I want to ask her privately for the rationale of this decision and also to emphasize again that this is not something I’d be okay with when the conference isn’t in my city next year.

To me, it’s less that the arrangement is inherently outrageous and more that if someone who’s expected to stay there isn’t comfortable with the set-up, they should be given alternatives — at the company’s expense, not “you can pay for a hotel room yourself.” House-shares are sometimes a thing that happen on work trips, and some people are perfectly comfortable with that. But people who aren’t need to be able to opt out without personal expense to themselves, and without having to fight a major battle over it.

As for what to do, if your sense is that your coworkers are uncomfortable with the plan, you could encourage them to push back — and you could add your voice as someone who doesn’t have a stake on this particular trip but does have a stake in how the team is handling travel in general, since it will affect you next time. And, since it sounds like you normally have a good relationship with your boss where you can speak your mind, you can talk to her privately as well. Point out that one person has already expressed discomfort and been shut down — but since she knows someone is uncomfortable, that shouldn’t just be ignored. Maybe spell out exactly why someone might not be comfortable with this set-up. You can also ask for assurance that this won’t be expected in the future.

2. My friend keeps texting me work questions after work hours

My close friend recently began working with me. She has since started texting me non-stop questions outside of work hours which she should be able to source answers to herself (e.g., do we get paid this week?). How do I maintain boundaries without jeopardizing our friendship? Previous attempts (like saying “questions about X topic need to go to Boss as I don’t work in X department”) have not worked.

This is a close friend, so talk to her! “I really need to disconnect from work after work hours, and when you text me work questions, it makes it impossible to do that. I know that wasn’t your intent! But please don’t send me work stuff outside of work hours, so that I can unwind and not turn into a wreck.”

It’s up to you whether you want to add something like, “Obviously if something is truly an emergency and you can’t figure it out on your own, you can check with me.” Whether or not to do that depends on what you know of your friend and how likely she is to use that judiciously or excessively.

3. Paid intern can’t do the job

I’m working with a paid intern on a project. Our interns are university-qualified and go through a very competitive recruitment process. I’m not their overall supervisor but need to train them and do some supervision.

Although I’ve gone over things several times and shown them where back-up instructions are kept, this intern isn’t completing the work they have agreed to complete. Then I must come in and put out the spot fires. It’s easier to just do the work, not even bringing them over to do it together as I’ve already tried that. They’ve been there several months.

I feel some of this is a recording of instructions/task and time management issue. However, they have made comments indicating it could be stemming from not wanting to do the not-so-interesting work we all have to do; they just don’t appear that interested (although I’ve advised them they will be given more interesting work). We have little to no administrative staff who can take on this work. Other staff have independently come to the same conclusion as me. I’ve trained other interns in this work and within a few weeks they were pulling their weight and making a real difference.

I’m having trouble keeping up with my work while picking up the intern’s work too, as we need two staff members on this project since we all have other work. I’ve had to request extensions for a couple of deadlines. I’m concerned this reflects badly on me, so I’d like to raise this with our supervisor. Do you have any suggestions on how I can approach this conversation with our supervisor?

You definitely need to talk to your boss! That’s essential for two reasons: First, your boss needs to know about the problems with the intern’s work; she can’t manage them effectively if she’s not aware of the issues you’re encountering, and the extent of them. In fact, as a staff member overseeing some of their work, your boss is almost certainly assuming you’ll keep her in the loop on any problems and that if she’s not hearing about any, everything is fine. Second, this is affecting your own work! If you needed to request deadline extensions because of some other external problem (like, say, a vendor delay or a massive power outage), wouldn’t you give your boss that context, rather than keeping it from her? This intern is causing significant workflow issues; that’s something your boss needs to know about.

Approach it this way: “I’ve run into some pretty serious problems with Jane’s work. She’s not finishing work she’s agreed to do, doesn’t appear that interested in learning, and is working at a much lower level than past interns we’ve had on similar projects. I’m having trouble keeping up with my own responsibilities while also taking on her work, and it’s starting to affect deadlines. How do you want me to navigate this?”

I do want to note that “it’s easier to just do the work myself” isn’t necessarily an indictment of the intern; generally speaking, interns are there to learn and managing them effectively will often take more time than just doing the work yourself. However, if this intern is paid a fair amount for what you expect of them (not just a stipend) and other interns have performed significantly better, it’s a problem. Either way, it’s time to loop in your boss.

4. Negotiating my last day at work after a long notice period

I’ve been working at an organization for the last three and a half years and will be leaving this summer to start grad school. Since starting here, I’ve had several bosses and our department has grown significantly. I’ve navigated lots of turnover and upheaval, and the organization is in a better position than ever. Last summer I was given the responsibility to hire my own replacement, who I have been training for the last year with the knowledge that I would be leaving. I recently announced my plans to attend grad school, which gives my manager and coworkers over four months to plan my exit.

I have tried to stay flexible with my leave date considering my unused PTO, but I was recently told that I have not been budgeted into the next fiscal year, which starts two months before I start school. On top of this, the staff always is given a week off in the summer where the office is closed, but this week off would be after the new fiscal year starts, and my manager has casually mentioned a desire that I leave before this week-long paid vacation.

I was hoping to leave after the week of paid vacation because it falls right at the end of a very busy time of work for me and I feel that I’ve earned it even though I’m about to leave. I’m not sure how to negotiate my last day because I want to balance maintaining a good relationship with my former employer while still taking the time I feel I deserve. I would love some advice on how to communicate my wishes while staying in good standing with my soon-to-be former employer.

Yeah, if they haven’t budgeted for your role past the end of the fiscal year, they haven’t budgeted for you to get that paid week off that falls in the new fiscal year. And that’s because you were honest with them about your plans to leave and gave them generous notice — which was for their benefit, not yours, and now you’re being penalized for it. If you’d given them a standard two weeks notice, you would have gotten that paid week off first — and they would have been a worse, less prepared place.

Point that out! Say this: “I gave you a lot of extra notice because I thought it would help with the transition. If I hadn’t done that and had given you a standard two weeks notice, I would have received the paid week off along with everyone else. It feels like I’m being penalized for giving generous notice, so I’m asking that you reconsider, especially since other people are less likely to give this kind of early heads-up themselves if they see me being pushed out early because of it.”

They might not budge, but it’s a reasonable thing to say. And if they don’t budge, they’re forfeiting any right to expect you to go above and beyond doing your remaining time there.

5. Severance when a new company wins our contract

I am a defense contractor who has been supporting a government client for 10 years. My coworkers and I were recently notified that our company (Company X) lost the recompete to continue doing this work, so we will be out of work in six weeks. Many of us anticipate being offered positions with the new company (Company Y) that won the contract to continue doing the same work. Company X’s severance policy says if we were to move over and take essentially the same position with Company Y, they will not pay severance. Is this legal? How do they even enforce that?

Yes, it’s legal. No law requires them to offer you severance at all (unless the layoff is large enough to fall under the WARN Act, in which case they can offer 60 days notice in lieu of severance). It’s also not that illogical, in the specific context of government contracting; severance is for when you lose your job and in this case you’ll be doing the same job, just via a different contracting company.